god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It's just like the Real World with babies
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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