she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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