he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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