she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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