So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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