sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
