P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
