EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
