I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i dont even know how to be here
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
