you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You pole danced in your parka.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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