I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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