I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
