You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
