I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
