6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
