so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
