Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
