I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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