me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
