Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
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And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
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You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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