He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
