So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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