Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
