I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
