fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
