After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
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