Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
