I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
