Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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