I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
