i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
