on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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