last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
