just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
In America we eat man semen.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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