i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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