Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
