im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
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they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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