I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
