I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
