She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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