i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
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