I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
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I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
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Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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