I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
