if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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