dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
