So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You pole danced in your parka.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
