So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
