i wish my penis had a tongue
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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