All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
