i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We left an ass print on the piano.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
