Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
