no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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