I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
