yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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